Vent/advice: Our new PhD student is pushy and disrespectful
I am an early career scientist and I’ve finally adjusted to work/life after a PhD (graduated late 2021). My boss’s 3rd year PhD student is now working with our group full time, and my boss has asked me to help mentor her. She has been part of our group since she was an undergraduate, so I’ve known her for about 4 years. She’s under the impression that she can finish her PhD in a total of 4 years (so only 2 more years of research). Average program length is somewhere between 5 and 6 years. She’s been frequently checking in on our post doc and senior researcher to see if they’ve done any work on her paper, and in the meantime, she comes into my office to complain that they haven’t been working on it. I can tell my colleagues are annoyed. I’ve told her that slow feedback from advisors is unfortunately kind of typical, and the process of getting a paper published can just take a long time in general. I have been working on a new project with her, which is about half of my job now, but I also have other things I do. Not only has she been extremely pushy about constantly working on this new project, but she also has been way too comfortable with shooting down my ideas and telling me I’m wrong. Of course, sometimes I’m wrong, and I’m very open to being corrected! But she’s so rude and confident about it, and most of the time she’s actually the one who has a misunderstanding. She tells me what we need to be doing, tells me my ideas are silly, checks in to see what I’m doing and tells me it’s a waste of time, gives unsolicited advice, and just generally doesn’t respect me or the fact that I have a different process than she does (and she could learn from it!). I respectfully push back at her and do what I need to do, and there has been some tension because of it. Anyway, I’m going to talk to her about it because it’s just too much. I know a lot of it is coming from insecurity and anxiety (I’ve known her for a while, also she had an emotional breakdown last week). So I’m not sure if I should be gentle about it, or just kind of put her in her place and remind her that the group doesn’t work for her, I don’t need her “advice” unless I ask for it, and she can’t keep shooting down ideas in her disrespectful way
1 Answer
Dealing with a pushy and disrespectful PhD student can be challenging, especially when you're already juggling your own workload. Given your experience and the fact that you've known her for about 4 years, it's essential to address the issue before it affects your working relationship and productivity. Firstly, consider having a calm and private conversation with your PhD student to discuss your concerns. Approach the conversation as a mentor, not a critic, and focus on specific behaviors that are causing issues, such as her constant checking in on your colleagues and her attitude towards your ideas. Use "I" statements to express how her behavior is affecting you, e.g., "I feel frustrated when you shoot down my ideas without considering my perspective." This will help her understand your point of view and encourage her to reflect on her behavior. It's also crucial to set clear boundaries and expectations for your working relationship. Let her know that you're committed to helping her with her project, but you also have other responsibilities and priorities. You can say something like, "I'm happy to work on this project with you, but I need to balance it with other tasks. Can we schedule regular check-ins to ensure we're on track and make progress together?" Lastly, consider involving your boss in the conversation to get their input and support. They may be able to offer additional guidance or help mediate the situation. Remember that you can't force someone to change their behavior, but by addressing the issue directly and setting clear expectations, you can improve the working relationship and create a more productive environment. By taking a proactive and open-minded approach, you can resolve the issue and maintain a positive working relationship with your PhD student.
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